Starring: Ross Hagen, Diane McBain, Michael Pataki, Richard Merrifield, Claire Polan. Writer: Tony Houston. Producer: Ross Hagen. Director: Gus Trikonis. Released in 1969.
Original air date: September 29, 1990
“(Chili peppers) burn my gut,” the lead character, Rommel, says at one point in “The Sidehackers.” That may be true, but this film burns mine. The violent, disturbing and gratuitous film has little-to-no redeeming value; a true, trashy grindhouse film from the late 1960s trying to market itself as gritty when it’s really just mean. Unfortunately, Mystery Science Theater 3000 doesn’t help this piece of garbage.
“The Sidehackers” is the first biker gang film of the second season, and the first to feature actor Ross Hagen. He turns up again in a better episode. In fact, the two other biker movies shown on the show are much more enjoyable than this because of their high camp value. “The Sidehackers” actually starts out pretty campy, too, before it takes a right turn towards a cesspool. Yet I was still fascinated by the movie. It’s just so terrible and unpleasant, that I found myself interested. I’m weird, I know.
This episode is also famous amongst the MST3K writers, as well. None of the crew had watched this movie all the way through before deciding to use it for the show. As a result, they were shocked to discover a graphic rape and murder scene half way through. They edited it out of the broadcast, but “The Sidehackers” set in stone a policy that all films needed to be viewed beginning to end before being written for. Also, Trace Beaulieu has gone on record to say how much the film disgusts him.
As far as the riffing goes, it’s a step down from the last episode. It’s as if the writers were so uncomfortable with the film, they didn’t concentrate too much on it.
The film follows motorcycle racer Rommel (Ross Hagen) as he competes in the “popular” sport of sidehacking, or side car racing (sidehackers: “Aren’t those the guys that spit out the side of their mouth?” Crow asks). Apparently in this sport, one person drives the motorcycle, while another hangs off the side to balance the bike out on the turns, dragging his ass through the stony dirt. Sounds fun. It’s probably more interesting if you watch one of these races live, and apparently people still side hack to this day. I’m still waiting for it to show up in the X Games.
The first part of the film features a lot of sidehacking. I think we watch a whole race, at one point. Joel and the bots struggle to come up with interesting things to say, except Joel’s “For you folks at home, this might be a good time to get a sandwich.” The race footage does allow Cambot to insert an ESPN-style graphic letting us know the score.
When Rommel isn’t sidehacking, he’s frolicking in the fields with his fiancée, Rita (Diane McBain), or working at a motorcycle repair shop. It’s here that Rommel meets biker exhibitionist J.C. (Michael Pataki) and his gang, which includes a guy named Cooch. Despite J.C.’s obvious mental imbalance, Rommel gets him interested in sidehacking, and J.C.’s girl, Paisley (Claire Polan) gets interested in Rommel. This is probably because J.C. is a very abusive boyfriend, as we find out. “What would you do without me?” J.C. asks her after one particularly abusive episode. “I guess she’d heal,” Crow responds.
Paisley comes on to Rommel, but he resists, turning her down is the most condescending of ways. Naturally, Paisley takes offense to this and tells J.C. that Rommel tried to rape her. J.C. goes berserk and finds Rommel and Rita hanging out in a country cabin and attacks them. It’s the rape and murder of Rita that the MST3K writers had to edit out.
With sidehacking just a memory, Rommel goes about hiring a gang of thugs to face off against J.C. What was once a lame race movie quickly turns into a bloody revenge film. You can guess that it doesn’t end well.
Despite this movie, there are some funny riffs to be had. After Rita’s murder, Rommel goes walking through memories of his past with a terrible song being sung in the background. For whatever reason, he walks through a field of thrusting oil pumps: “Even these oil fields seem to remind me of her. Can't quite put my finger on it...” Joel says. As J.C. goes further and further off the deep end, Crow explains it this way: “He gets this way if he doesn’t kill every day.” When Rommel reflects with a friend, “We’ve had some great runs together,” Joel responds, “Yeah, remember that dinner in Tijuana?”
There are also some funny jokes played off Rommel’s name and how it relates to “Patton” (“You magnificent bastard, I read your book!”). And when J.C. asks where Rommel is at one point, Crow yells “Algeria!”
“The Sidehackers” was originally called “Five the Hard Way” for whatever reason. Hagen, also the film’s producer, was actually married to Claire Polan, the actress who played Paisley. Maybe that’s why Hagen looked like he was having so much fun when he told his wife off in the movie. The film’s director, Gus Trikonis, was married to Goldie Hawn for a time and apparently she’s somewhere in this movie.
And even though this film is disturbing on many levels, I have to give credit to the overacting prowess of Michael Pataki, whom I was already familiar with thanks to “Star Trek” (he played a bug-eyed, overdramatic Klingon). His portrayal of J.C. is so off the wall that he genuinely made me nervous every time he appeared on screen. Especially after he punches Paisley in the stomach and later, when he starts shaking all over and screaming just for the hell of it.
Yes, this movie is unpleasant to a fault, but I found it watchable in an icky way. I have a soft spot for 1960s films like this, so maybe that’s why I could watch this with a perverse enjoyment. I know I’m pretty much contradicting some things I’ve said earlier about the film, but there you have it – I’m a man of conflicts!
The skits on the Satellite of Love are actually pretty good. Joel and the Mads come up with different inventions based around the slinky for the invention exchange. Later, Joel and the bots sing a very funny sidehacking song, and put new lyrics to the film’s love theme: “Only Love Pads the Film.” The songs might be the best part of the whole episode.
Mike Nelson appears again as J.C., visiting the Satellite of Love from his sidehacking spaceship (Frank Coniff is there, as well, playing Cooch). The sketch where Joel and the bots try their own color commentary over footage of the sidehacking races is overwritten and overlong. It probably would have worked better as actual riffs in the theater.
“The Sidehackers” is a not an easy episode to watch, both for the film’s content and lack of quality riffs. Still, it’s an interesting episode, though one I wish had been a little funnier.
Rating: **
Side note: This episode is available on Rhino’s box set Volume 3.
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