Starring: Ross Hagen, Dee Duffy, Sharyn Kinzie, Del “Sonny” West, Robert Slatzer. Writers: James Gordon White and Robert Slatzer. Producers: Anthony Cardoza and Herman Tomlin. Director: Robert Slatzer. Released in 1967.
Original air date: December 8, 1990
Ross Hagen is back in a return to form that we never asked for. In the third grindhouse biker film of the second season, and the second one starring Hagen, we get more of the same; lots of long scenes of people on motorcycles, violent shootouts, and trippy dialogue, man. Like “Wild Rebels,” this is a watchable film on its own if you have a soft spot for these kinds of 1960s movies like I do. And the incessant dancing and partying makes for some really great commentary from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. I think the film is summed up best in this one scene: a stoned biker dude stumbles around a field, saying “Roses are green, violets are red…” Joel finishes for him: “I like to shoot heroin straight into my head.”
It’s also an easier to take film than Hagen’s last showing, “The Sidehackers.” Where that movie was mean-spirited with rape, murder and domestic violence, “The Hellcats” is just plain goofy. At least both movies have something Joel and the robots can easily pick apart – Ross Hagen’s glowering performance. Thankfully, we get plenty of “chili peppers burn my gut” references.
“The Hellcats” features Hagen playing Army Sgt. Monte Chapman, whose police detective brother is murdered by a drug ring early in the film. He and his brother’s fiancé, Linda (Dee Duffy), decide to go undercover in the drug-running biker gang his brother was investigating. They believe it was these drugged, free-loving hippies that killed their loved one, but soon learn that it was evil, suited-wearing grease balls. In between, there’s lots of dancing, drugging and some weird scenes of physical endurance. Like most films shown on MST3K, this film could have been told in about 20 minutes. But noooooooo.
Apparently, the show’s writers rushed through this episode as they were attending a Comedy Central meeting in New York to ensure MST3K remained on the air. As a result, the show would become the flagship production for several years for the powerhouse that is Comedy Central today. But some fans believe this show took a hit because the writers were in a rush. In regards to the theater segments, I can kind of see it, but the gang has gotten into the art form much better at this point, so it’s not overly noticeable. The riffing is punchy and sharper than some of the earlier second season episodes. There are lots of call-and-answer jokes to be found. My favorite is when the eye-patched biker babe asks Chapman if he has any Mary Jane. Mocking Chapman’s struggle to fit in, Tom Servo says, “No, but I have some pot.” Stuff like that.
Other favorite moments include the extended musical party sequence near the beginning. There’s a terrible ‘60s rock song playing in the background – “I’m losing my baby” – that Servo turns into “I’m losing my dignity.” The Hellcats dance and speak slang, which is something drives Crow nuts: “What the heck is he saying? It’s like he’s speaking in an ancient tongue!” One gang member holds an exploding beer can close to his crotch and proceeds to spray foam all over the place. Problem is, the camera work makes it a little ambiguous, especially upon seeing the gang member’s look of ecstasy. “I hope that’s beer,” Crow says, sliding in one of the show’s dirtiest jokes. Later, one of the Hellcats endures a bad trip, eventually coming down pretty hard; “Better get him some cocaine, or something,” Tom offers.
The riffing is strong in the episode, especially in the first two-thirds, but peters out towards the end. The film takes on a more serious tone when bikers get killed and Chapman confronts the drug ring that murdered his brother. The film also gets pretty self-righteous, but the writers don’t always capitalize on it. Instead, we get an overdone gag about a gang member who squeals to the police. Joel makes it sound like the biker, whom he names Kooky, is a goofy comic relief. While the lousy music might suggest it, the scenes don’t. It makes for an odd and overworked joke that goes nowhere. Can’t be sharp all the time, I suppose.
One other thing I must mention. The movie is co-produced by Anthony Cardoza. The writers don’t know it now, but he’ll become an infamous person in the annals of MST3K. One of Coleman Francis’ good buddies, he starred and produced the Francis Trilogy seen in Season 6. They are among the worst and most baffling films this show ever featured. He’s actually seen here in “The Hellcats” in a non-speaking role as a painter who gets comically roughed up by the gang. He’s a little older and a little fatter than he will be in the earlier Francis films, but it’s still the same old Tony Cardoza the bots will come to know and despise.
As for the show’s sketches, it’s very obvious “The Hellcats” was a rush job. Besides the invention exchange and the closing letters bit, we get flashbacks (with introductions) of earlier sketches. The first is the Shatner Hands from #106 “The Crawling Hand.” Next we again see zero gravity lesson from #201 “Rocketship X-M.” Finally, we get the matte-scope lesson from #203 “Jungle Goddess.” They’re funny, but we’ve seen this before.
Joel does have a funny invention he didn’t have time for in “Lost Continent.” It’s the sign language translator, in which you speak into a funnel and a hand translates the message. It’s a funny slight-of-hand (sorry for the pun) gag. At the end, a letter from an Italian viewer warns Joel and the bots that there are many terrible Italian films that could be used as future experiments. It’s a look into what’s to come, as we’ll see a number of Hercules films and other crappy Italian jobs in the coming seasons.
“The Hellcats” is a funny episode thanks to a goofy, yet watchable, movie. While sketches make this the only MST3K “clip show,” I still find this one I return to for repeat viewings. Sadly, this is the last ‘60s biker film we’ll get (if I remember correctly), but not the last misguided youth movie. There are many more of those down the pike.
Rating: ***
Side note: “The Hellcats” was available as a stand-alone disc from Rhino, but it’s out-of-print like so many others.
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