Starring: Cesar Romero, Hugh Beaumont, Sid Melton, Chick Chandler, John Hoyt, Maria Stevens. Writer: Richard H. Landau. Producer: Sigmund Neufeld and Robert Lippert. Director: Sam Newfield. Released in 1951.
Original air date: November 24, 1990
Watching “Lost Continent,” you get the feeling the film’s director grew worried that he didn’t have a feature-length movie to film when he read the finished script. About 20 minutes of dialogue does not constitute a movie meant to be 90 minutes long. What to do? Apparently, you pad the film with as many extraneous scenes as possible. When the script called for the characters to climb to the top of a mountain, Director Sam Newfield (who did #103 “The Mad Monster”) translated that simple idea into 60 percent of the movie. The set designers built a rock wall stage and dammit all if they weren’t going to use. Thus, one of the most notorious scenes in Mystery Science Theater 3000 takes place.
Rock climbing, people. Rock climbing. There’s so much of it, Joel and the robots scream in agony at one point. “Who are you?! Where are we?! Could we get a frame of reference or something. Please?!” Joel screams at the movie.
The camera shoots the rock climbing sequences from as many different angles as possible, but it doesn’t make the scenes any more watchable. This is on top of lengthy walking scenes, where the cast wanders through a jungle set for long periods. It’s crazy to think that there’s only about 10 minutes in the whole movie where something actually happens. Par for the course in any Robbert Lippert production. But my God! It hurts the head!
Fans of the show either hate this episode for the above reasons, or love it because the writers really flourish here when there’s hardly anything to work with. I’m partially grouped in the latter. It shows a maturity in the writers and you can tell it wasn’t easy to do. “Lost Continent” is certainly not one of the best episodes of Season 2 because the film really does drag on you after a while, but it’s much better than it might have been.
The film takes place post-World War Two, where we discover an experimental rocket has disappeared from radar in the South Pacific. Created by a German-sounding Russian scientist working for the Americans, Dr. Rostov (John Hoyt), the government decides the rocket must be found due to its important nature. A six-man team, led by air force Maj. Joe Nolan ( Cesar Romero, who played the Joker in the “Batman” TV series), take off in a plane, which eventually crash lands on an island that looks suspiciously like the set of “Jungle Goddess.” Also along for the mission is American scientist Robert Phillips (“Leave it to Beaver” actor Hugh Beaumont) and comic relief officer Sgt. Willie Tatlow (unfunny comic Sid Melton).
After the landing, the crew learns the rocket crashed on a mountain top and they begin their climb. And they climb. And they climb. And they climb. Throughout these lengthy scenes, Joel and the bots constantly reiterate, in a bland tone, “Rock climbing, Joel,” or “Rock climbing, Tom,” and so forth. “Joel, why are we watching this dull, rock climbing scene?” Crow asks. “Because it’s there,” Joel responds. “No one will be admitted during the riveting climbing sequence,” Tom Servo mocks. “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through editing!!!” Crow shouts.
There is a break in the climbing when the search party rests for the night in a cave. There are some hilarious riffs to be had during this scene. Another funny instance comes when Sid Melton’s character needs a little help climbing a rock. One of the crew helps him up by grabbing Melton’s ass in every which way, so much so that it appears he’s fondling the dude. Hugh Beaumont, sitting in the back of the scene, apparently found this funny, too. He breaks character and loses it, laughing into his sleeve. I guess no one caught that in the editing room. Joel and the bots missed it, too.
Eventually, the rock climbing ends and the search party discovers a jungle world on the summit. Thus the walking scenes through the lost continent begin. At a clearing, they come across a stop-motion brontosaurus that’s none too happy to see the humans (“I see a dinosaur, but I hear an elephant,” Servo says upon listening to the roar). They fight off the poor special effect dinosaurs (which, I swear, are seen in the weird dream sequences in #107 “Robot Monster”), and eventually discover the rocket. They then have to make their way down the mountain. At least Sid Melton gets to become a triceratops’ lunch (“I feel like a little Italian. Hello, my little pizza roll!” Joel says).
Besides the rock climbing, the movie has a few other quirks. I feel as though all the lead actors demanded to have an equal amount of lines, thus there are a lot of pointless scenes where everyone must say something, important or not. Second, some of these guys (I’m looking at you, Cesar Romero) speak in these lengthy, annoying soliloquys (“Jeez, everything is a speech with these guys!” Joel says).
I have to mention one other riff that had me laughing out loud. The director’s name is Sam Newfield, and the producer’s name is Sigmund Neufeld. These two are brothers, something MST3K’s writers picked up on – “They were in separate lines on Ellis Island,” Servo states. Now that’s clever!
The sketches are hit or miss with this episode. The Mads create a new brand of exercise machines that have, in fact, already been created. In anger, they don’t let Joel proceed with his invention. He’ll have to wait until the next episode. Hugh Beaumont, played by ever-wholesome Mike Nelson, visits the station, bringing a message of “unholy death” to the Satellite of Love crew. Joel and the bots talk him out of destroying earth.
The sketch about mocking explorer movies and they’re white dominance is overlong and obvious. And Joel and the bots take too long a while oohing and ahhing to something outside the satellite before announcing a viewer contest asking what the “Cool Thing” they saw was. I believe the contest winner is announced in a future episode, although I don’t remember.
If you can handle the rock climbing sequences, then this episode is quite funny. Not the easiest movie to sit through, but a fun episode in the end.
Rating: ***
Side note: This episode is available on the Shout! Factory box set Volume XVIII, with a special introduction by TV’s Frank Coniff.
The old 1950s Lippert Pictures releases were generally marvels of low budget excellence. No less can be said for "Lost Continent" in my less than humble opinion.
ReplyDeleteIn an act of shear travesty some moronic editor took it upon him or herself to chop out the most moving and dramatic section of the film near the end where Willie was gored from behind by a charging Triceratops.
Those of us who saw the film on t.v. back in the stone age 1950s remember it well. Others, sadly, wouldn't ever know otherwise. That one sequence alone makes all the difference in the world as to one's perception of it.