Starring: John McKay, Monica Davis, Phillip St. George, Arthur Metrano. Writer, Producer and Director: Barry Mahon. Released in 1959.
Phantom Creeps – starring: Bela Lugosi, Robert Kent, Dorothy Arnold, Edwin Stanley, Dora Clement. Writers: George Plympton, Basil Dickey, Mildred Barish. Producer: Henry MacRae. Directors: Ford Beebe and Saul A. Goodkind. Released in 1939.
Original air date: October 27, 1990
Here’s a bizarre experiment for Mystery Science Theater 3000; part propaganda film, part cautionary tale, part spy thriller. All these ideas and genres blend together is this jarring and shoddy old movie that reminds us Russians are bad and Americans are good. Both sides have nukes and the Ruskies are itching to use theirs. The title of the film pretty much gives away the ending of the movie. And man, is this a dull and soul crushing film, complete with a narrator who sounds like he’d rather be somewhere else, as well. As the blind man says in the odd scene towards the end, “Help me.”
But thankfully, the writers at MST3K are up to the challenge of making this black and white crap-fest hilarious. What may have been a tough episode to sit through in the previous season zips along quickly thanks to the sharp writing and fantastic delivery of Joel and his robot pals. This couldn’t have been an easy film to work with, but they more than manage. It’s actually a highlight of Season 2.
Two pieces of this episode are worth mentioning: it’s the first time MST3K added what is known as the stinger. The stinger is a five-second clip from the film that the writers thought was especially funny or weird. The above mentioned blind man must have struck them as so strange, so odd, and so terribly bad and funny that it merited an encore. I agree completely. The scene features a blind guy walking with his cane down a city street before the imminent rocket attack. He puts his hands out and says, “Help me,” in a deadpan style, like a comedian telling his punch line. There’s no urgency in his delivery. Even Joel and the bots are mystified in the theater. Only Crow can manage a “What?!”
Also, Tom Servo gets a haircut. Apparently the writers and suits at Comedy Central were concerned about Tom’s big head covering up stuff in the theater. So they trim it down to a thin rod. It looks stupid and will only last a few episodes.
Before we get to the end of humanity, we must sit through another installment of “The Phantom Creeps” serial, starring Bela Lugosi. After the insane first chapter, the serial’s second chapter, “Death Stalks the Highway,” offers much of the same. Dr. Zorka (Lugosi) looks to steal back his inventions from his kooky lab, with plenty of chances for gunfire, car chases, and disappearing acts. This time around, Zorka is angry and even crazier because his wife was killed in the plane wreck from the last chapter. We also get another chance to see the gigantic robot with the mean face.
The problem with these serials is the manic pace that occurs. In hoping to pack as much plot and action into the short film, it becomes overwhelming. And it’s overwhelming to Joel and the bots, too. But they get a lot of mileage out of their Bela impersonations and the hilarity of the big machine (“He’s no good on light dusting, but on heavy jobs he’s just perfect,” Crow says in the Bela accent).
There is a funny scene at the end of the car chase. Zorka turns himself invisible for the hundredth time and flees his car. The Federal investigator and his hot blond reporter friend (there’s always one in these serials) look into his car. Off screen, in something that sounded like it was added in post production, the Fed says “The driver is gone or he’s hiding” in a vaguely Ronald Reagan-esque voice. Crow then says, in his best Reagan, “Welcome to Death Valley Days.” In many, many future episodes, Crow will do his best Reagan with this line whenever he feels a scene calls for it.
There’s also a moment where Zorka’s bumbling assistant gets shot several times while escaping from the house. After he collapses, the Fed comes by and says he’s only stunned. Huh? “Stunned!? He took six bullets!” Crow says. My thoughts exactly. Nobody ever said these serials were any good.
After “The Phantom Creeps” comes the film, “Rocket Attack U.S.A.” This black and white movie sees the world in black and white, us versus them. It feeds of the paranoia common during the height of the Cold War and is actually kind of prescient seeing it was released only a few years before the Cuban Missile Crisis. Still, this is an awful movie with some truly wretched performances. My favorite in the worst actor department is the narrator. It sounds like he was coerced into reading the script and resents the fact he’s making less than union scale to work on the movie. A bored, disinterested and vaguely frustrated narrator is not someone you want working on your movie. Joel and the bots realize this and run with the gags every chance they get. And each time is funnier than the last. I found myself laughing so hard I missed some jokes.
The movie is ridiculously simple; U.S. intelligence discovers Russia is building a nuclear rocket, so they send their best agent into the communist country to blow it up. Their “best” is apparently inept because he pretty much gets himself and everyone killed while failing at his mission. This results in the “tense” last third of the film, where people go about their daily lives until the bomb is dropped on New York City. It’s the feel-good movie of the year!
During the film, we’re treated to a lot of padding, including Russian officials speaking importantly, a long dinner scene with terrible dancing and music, and an endless scene of the rocket launch preparations complete with an annoying ringing sound. There’s also the Russian guy that looks like Tor Johnson and the British agent who doesn’t have a British accent.
But the jokes come fast and furious. There plenty of cracks at communism to be hard: “Remember guys, this is filmed in color, it’s just that everything in Russia is gray,” Joel says. During the dinner and dance scene, there’s a running gag about how the American agent can’t get any service (“I. Would. Like. To. Order. PLEASE!!!” Crow shouts). The disturbing scene where the female agent talks to our hero about how Tor Johnson likes to come and stay and “do things” to her is lightened when Joel says “I’ll only watch until I run out of quarters.” Then, when, she later wonders why he doesn’t go home to his wife at night, Servo says “Because she’s fat and bald, too.” Near the end, as the prospect of a nuclear strike is apparent and the radio announcer expresses his love for his wife and family before signing off, Crow heckles the moment by shouting, “What a wuss!”
My favorite scene is when the Russian generals go to inspect the missile by standing in a field and looking up at it. Judging by their shadows, they’re looking up at nothing. Just the sky. Apparently the director didn’t realize how painfully obvious this was. “Must be a stealth missile. There’s no shadow,” Crow quips.
Along with the riffs in the theater, the sketches are quite strong. The Mads invent a water polo/foosball table that looks like it could be a lot of fun. Later, before the film begins, Joel discusses the Cold War and McCarthyism with the bots, using cartoon characters to illustrate his point. It’s funny and effective at the same time.
Joel then hosts a nuclear quiz show, asking questions on the Cold War, with some hilarious answers. Mike Nelson also has memorable moment when he arrives at the Satellite of Love as a Russian cosmonaut. And at the end of the film, Joel and the bots really let the Mads know how angry they are at the quality of the movie. Funny, funny stuff.
Many who feel that the more awful the film, the better the MST3K episode have a strong argument with “Rocket Attack U.S.A.” Great riffing makes this one to watch again.
Rating: ***1/2
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