MST3K #204 - Catalina Caper

“I think I know a bright young singer who’s hopped up on goofballs.” – Joel



Starring: Tommy Kirk, Del Moore, Peter Duryea, Robert Donner, Ulla Stromstedt, Jim Begg, Sue Casey, Brian Cutler, Lyle Waggoner, Little Richard, Carol Conners, The Cascades. Writer: Clyde Ware. Producers: Bond Blackman and Jack Bartlett. Director: Lee Sholem. Released in 1967.

Original air date: October 13, 1990

The 1960s beach party movies – there’s a film genre nobody misses. The formula is simple: feature lots of pretty women in bikinis (no complaints here, actually), a bunch of Aryan-looking guys in boxer-brief swimsuits (no thanks), a lame plot masquerading as a mad-cap comedy, a bunch of goofy adults, crappy music played by half-decent musicians, and Tommy Kirk. Bam! You’ve got yourself a beach movie. These were huge back during the early 1960s, when the Beach Boys ruled the radio waves when the Beatles took a break between singles.

Unfortunately for the genre, but fortunately for us, “Catalina Caper” was the last film of its type. “Catalina Caper” was released in 1967, at time when audiences no longer clamored for lame plots and Tommy Kirk. The Summer of Love, with music by the Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, and the drug-influenced Beatles, took center stage. Even the Beach Boys made the great leap forward a year earlier with “Pet Sounds.” Musicians such as Little Richard found they no longer had an audience. And nobody wanted to see another beach party movie, at least one that included bad music and lacked gratuitous nudity. Yes, “Catalina Caper” marked an end of sorts. Especially for Tommy Kirk. His career disappeared right around this time.



“Catalina Caper” is crappy film, alright, and it makes for an interesting challenge for the cast and crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Much of the time, the show focused on bad movies that tried hard and were meant to be taken seriously. Here is a film that winks at the audience and is marketed as a comedy. Fortunately for MST3K, nearly all the film’s jokes fall flat and there’s plenty to mock. In fact, I laughed out loud many times, and the movie is watchable enough to make this a fun episode. Still, MST3K didn’t really feature many more intentional comedies in the coming seasons. Although there is “Valley of the Giants” in the fifth season. Big shocker – it stars Tommy Kirk, as well.

Like most beach party movies, the plot is sometimes incomprehensible and inconsequential to dancing women in their bikinis. An Arizona college student, Don Pringle (Tommy Kirk), follows his buddy, Charlie Moss (Brian Cutler), home to Santa Catalina Island off the coast of southern California. On the island, Charlie promises plenty of girls and partying on the beach, and Don quickly meets a foreign girl (Ulla Stromstedt) on the island, lovingly referred to as Creepy Girl by Tom Servo. Meanwhile, an ancient Chinese scroll is stolen by fat dude wearing what appears to be a Crayola crayon suit who goes by the name of Laurence (Jim Begg). His effeminate boss (Del Moore) plans on copying the original artwork and selling the fake to a Greek art collector. But an insurance investigator with the “hilarious” name of Fingers O’Toole (Robert Donner) is on the case. All these plots and more collide with predictably unfunny results. Let the laughs commence…



The films packs a lot into its 84 minutes, with plenty of dancing, music and scuba diving fight scenes reminiscent of a bad “Thunderball” outtake. And Joel and the robots pack a lot of great jokes in, as well. We get plenty of remarks about the island’s 100 percent white people population (“Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world” – Crow) and lots of laughs out of Fingers O’Toole’s bumbling antics (“Wait, it’ll get funny…” – Joel).

When a scene of people dancing around a bonfire comes on the screen, Crow shouts out “Throw another Beach Boy on the fire!” When several of the beach babes peer out at the ocean on a boat, Joel quips, “Hey look, they’re standing four abreast!” Later, during another dance sequence when many of the teenagers look like they’re having seizures, Crow says in science film narrator’s voice, “Girls become provocatively aroused by the shamed males of the village.”

My favorite riffs come during the musical numbers that appear at random. Near the beginning, as Don and Charlie are taking the ferry over to Santa Catalina, Little Richard spontaneously appears to sing one of his worst songs, “Scuba Party,” complete with his trademark, falsetto “woooooooooooooo!” “Prince, I hope you’re watching this,” Servo says. They all then a have a great time pointing out that Richard looks really stoned, and sing “Nazi Party” over “Scuba party” to all the very white people on the boat. Later, a forgotten band, The Cascades, sing a song at a yacht party. “I’m going to quit the band and start a career in music,” Servo says mocking one of the musicians. “I think they sent the wrong people to ‘Nam,” Crow adds.

Speaking of the movie’s musicians, The Cascades still perform around the country, probably at crappy locations like town fairs and the Hampton Beach half-shell. The song they sing, “There’s a New World,” is written by the Kinks’ Ray Davies. Carol Connors performs a song later in the movie, looking quite beautiful in a black bikini. She became famous when she was only 16 as a member of Phil Spector’s Teddy Bears, where she sang lead on “To Know Him is To Love Him.” We all know about Little Richard and, needless to say, this isn’t his finest hour.

As for the actors, Tommy Kirk is best known for his Disney films and beach party movies. After “Catalina Caper,” his career took a dive. Now, he mostly does conventions. Del Moore, the fey crime boss, gets confused by the MST3K crew with Don Adams, another effeminate actor, in a future episode. And Lyle Waggoner plays a bad guy. He’ll become more famous on the “Carol Burnett Show” and appears in “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” (MST3K #104).



For the most part, the sketches are pretty funny. The Mads design new tank tops, literally wearing tanks for tops. It’s pretty appropriate considering the film’s content. Joel creates the tickle bazooka. Later, Joel discusses the 1960s with the bots, which is a brilliant and hilarious monologue – “People smoked openly on The Tonight Show!”, “Women were called girls!”.

Kevin Murphy as Servo gets center stage by singing an original song, an ode to Creepy Girl. There will be plenty more opportunities for Murphy to flex his singing muscles as the show progresses.

TV’s Frank’s Tupperware party with the Mole People isn’t funny at all and drags on too long, as does the final sketch about the movie’s convoluted plot. But overall, I laughed at what the sketches brought to the episode.



“Catalina Caper” is a fun episode to watch, mainly because it’s a goofy film, has a high production value, and the gang looks like they’re having a good time. It also makes you want to pull out a good Little Richard album at the end of the day!

Rating: ***

Side note: This episode is available on Rhino’s Volume 1 box set, although I think it might now be out-of-print.

MST3K #203 - Jungle Goddess, with The Phantom Creeps, ch. 1

“Would it be crass for me to say the natives are restless?” – Tom Servo



Starring: George Reeves, Wanda McKay, Ralph Byrd, Armida. Writer: Joseph Pagano. Producers: Robert Lippert and William Stephens. Director: Lewis D. Collins. Released in 1948.

Phantom Creeps – starring: Bela Lugosi, Robert Kent, Dorothy Arnold, Edwin Stanley, Dora Clement. Writers: George Plympton, Basil Dickey, Mildred Barish. Producer: Henry MacRae. Directors: Ford Beebe and Saul A. Goodkind. Released in 1939.

Original air date: October 6, 1990

How do filmmakers know how to stretch out a short film into something much longer? Just add tons of stock footage and a little racism and, Pow! You got yourselves a movie! “Jungle Goddess” is remarkable in the fact that nothing really happens. Oh sure, two guys land in the jungle, find a woman, then leave, but somehow the filmmakers drained the possible excitement right out of the concept. No surprise this film is presented by noted “padder” Robert Lippert. Wait until another Lippert film, “Lost Continent,” is you want to see a movie stretched to its boring point.

Unfortunately, the dull movie makes for a limp episode. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 writers try and do succeed at times (especially by pointing out the blatant racism throughout), but mostly this feels like a middle-of-the-road first season show.

Like the first season, the episode starts with a serial that isn’t that bad. I liked it a lot better than “Commando Cody and the Radar Men from the Moon,” of which we had to watch nearly nine chapters worth in Season 1. “The Phantom Creeps” stars Bela Lugosi as (what else?) a mad scientist who discovers how to make exploding spiders and people disappear – two unrelated talents he somehow meshes together. Anything with Bela is funny on MST3K. Joel and the robots really get into it with their Lugosi impersonations and since they’re so over the top, it’s almost always funny.

A lot happens in the first chapter of the serial, “The Menacing Power,” which sets up the rest of the serial. Bela plays Dr. Alex Zorka, a scientist with a knack for bizarre and dangerous inventions. When the Feds try to stop his experiments, or buy them for the military, Dr. Zorka snaps. A lot of important people say important things, tons of exposition is rained down upon the audience, and the serial ends with a plane crashing and people supposedly not escaping (but we know they will at the start of the second chapter).



So much is packed into 18 minutes of the first chapter that it’s tough to know who any of the characters are, save for Bela. All I know is that, at the very end, a spider explodes in the cockpit of a plane that carries the doctor’s wife, although the doctor says she’ll be OK because he’ll put her in suspended animation. How he’ll accomplish this by pulling her body from the smoking wreckage is beyond me.

The Bela jokes come fast and furious in this serial. When the doctor excitedly pulls a piece of paper from his desk, Servo says in his best Lugosi, “Hey! I just invented the post-it note.” When the doctor first tries his disappearing concoction and makes a funny face, Joel does his Bela: “I never should have filled up on that four-alarm chili!”

The most notable aspect of the serial, aside from Lugosi, is the mad doctor’s giant robot with the mean looking face. It’s big, clunky and hilarious, and bears a strong resemblance to Richard Kiel, as Crow points out. That thing must have terrified audiences in 1939. Or not.



While tons of stuff happens in “The Phantom Creeps,” not much happens in “Jungle Goddess.” The daughter (Wanda McKay) of a rich, Dutch South African disappears in the jungles of Africa and two unappealing white guys (“Superman’s” George Reeves and Ralph Byrd) go find her. Turns out she’s been living for six years amongst a tribe who sees her as the White Goddess. While she’s enjoyed her exalted status, she can’t wait to get back to civilization so she can eat a “hamburger sammich with French-fried potatoes.” And that’s about it.

Actually a few things do happen, notably shots of African animals walking around, probably lifted from a nature film. Also, Byrd’s character enjoys shooting things and he doesn’t discriminate: lions, monkeys, people, coconuts… the list continues. When the two explorers discover the jungle tribe, Byrd shoots the first person he sees (“I hope that’s an acceptable greeting,” Joel says). He earns the moniker White Devil and goes from unappealing to downright distasteful as the film continues.



In true Hollywood racist fashion, the black tribesmen jump up and down saying incomprehensible things while dressed in what looks like bathroom towels (“Hey, it looks like they all just got out of the shower,” Servo says upon first seeing them). The white main characters just look on and laugh. Silly natives!

Throughout the episode, the riffs are frequent but not always that funny. Mostly just observational stuff. But there are some highlights. When the Jungle Goddess learns that the White Devil killed a tribesman, she says the punishment for murder is the same in the jungle as it is in the rest of the world, to which Servo says “Plea bargain!” Later, the good white explorer tells the Jungle Goddess he’s so hungry he could eat a horse; “You’re in luck!” Crow says. Actually, it turns out that zebra is the main course, to which Joel says, “Great! Dark and white meat!”

My favorite comes after this, when the White Devil is talking to a native girl about learning English. She says the Jungle Goddess called her smart, but she doesn’t know what that means. “It means you’re stacked,” Crow says, which is a hilarious call-back to a joke from #106, “The Crawling Hand” (“What does stacked mean?” the Swedish girlfriend asks. “It means you’re smart,” Crow said at the time). True MST3K geeks will get a kick out this.

Like most episodes, the skits have their good and not-so-good moments. Dr. Forrester does a visual trick by putting his head in a saxophone for the invention exchange. Joel creates a radio-controlled circular saw, which leads to some funny scenes. During a break in the film, Joel explains to the robots the filmmaking trick of seeing through binoculars, showing them how it’s done with lens cutouts. Of course, Joel goes through a ton of different cutouts, including “intestine vision” and “glaucoma vision.”

The sketch where Joel and the bots poke fun at “The Phantom Creeps” inventions by way of an infomercial drags a bit, and the skit where Mike Nelson and Jim Mallon play trigger happy White Devils visiting the Satellite of Love doesn’t really go anywhere, although Mike does play both noble and condescending quite well.

But the last sketch, where Joel and the bots film a sitcom scene based on “My White Goddess” is really funny. They perfectly mock both the film and unfunny sitcoms of the 1950s with bad jokes, then take a curtain call for the Mads. It’s here Joel jokingly refers to Crow as “Art Crow,” like Art Carney from “The Honeymooners.” This will famously confuse a fan who writes into the show in a later episode.



All in all, “The Jungle Goddess” is a sometimes funny, if forgettable, episode. Better episodes are on the way, however.

Rating: **1/2

MST3K #202 - The Sidehackers

“Now that sidehacking has gotten so big, it’s nice to see it's humble origins.” – Joel



Starring: Ross Hagen, Diane McBain, Michael Pataki, Richard Merrifield, Claire Polan. Writer: Tony Houston. Producer: Ross Hagen. Director: Gus Trikonis. Released in 1969.

Original air date: September 29, 1990

“(Chili peppers) burn my gut,” the lead character, Rommel, says at one point in “The Sidehackers.” That may be true, but this film burns mine. The violent, disturbing and gratuitous film has little-to-no redeeming value; a true, trashy grindhouse film from the late 1960s trying to market itself as gritty when it’s really just mean. Unfortunately, Mystery Science Theater 3000 doesn’t help this piece of garbage.

“The Sidehackers” is the first biker gang film of the second season, and the first to feature actor Ross Hagen. He turns up again in a better episode. In fact, the two other biker movies shown on the show are much more enjoyable than this because of their high camp value. “The Sidehackers” actually starts out pretty campy, too, before it takes a right turn towards a cesspool. Yet I was still fascinated by the movie. It’s just so terrible and unpleasant, that I found myself interested. I’m weird, I know.



This episode is also famous amongst the MST3K writers, as well. None of the crew had watched this movie all the way through before deciding to use it for the show. As a result, they were shocked to discover a graphic rape and murder scene half way through. They edited it out of the broadcast, but “The Sidehackers” set in stone a policy that all films needed to be viewed beginning to end before being written for. Also, Trace Beaulieu has gone on record to say how much the film disgusts him.

As far as the riffing goes, it’s a step down from the last episode. It’s as if the writers were so uncomfortable with the film, they didn’t concentrate too much on it.

The film follows motorcycle racer Rommel (Ross Hagen) as he competes in the “popular” sport of sidehacking, or side car racing (sidehackers: “Aren’t those the guys that spit out the side of their mouth?” Crow asks). Apparently in this sport, one person drives the motorcycle, while another hangs off the side to balance the bike out on the turns, dragging his ass through the stony dirt. Sounds fun. It’s probably more interesting if you watch one of these races live, and apparently people still side hack to this day. I’m still waiting for it to show up in the X Games.

The first part of the film features a lot of sidehacking. I think we watch a whole race, at one point. Joel and the bots struggle to come up with interesting things to say, except Joel’s “For you folks at home, this might be a good time to get a sandwich.” The race footage does allow Cambot to insert an ESPN-style graphic letting us know the score.



When Rommel isn’t sidehacking, he’s frolicking in the fields with his fiancée, Rita (Diane McBain), or working at a motorcycle repair shop. It’s here that Rommel meets biker exhibitionist J.C. (Michael Pataki) and his gang, which includes a guy named Cooch. Despite J.C.’s obvious mental imbalance, Rommel gets him interested in sidehacking, and J.C.’s girl, Paisley (Claire Polan) gets interested in Rommel. This is probably because J.C. is a very abusive boyfriend, as we find out. “What would you do without me?” J.C. asks her after one particularly abusive episode. “I guess she’d heal,” Crow responds.

Paisley comes on to Rommel, but he resists, turning her down is the most condescending of ways. Naturally, Paisley takes offense to this and tells J.C. that Rommel tried to rape her. J.C. goes berserk and finds Rommel and Rita hanging out in a country cabin and attacks them. It’s the rape and murder of Rita that the MST3K writers had to edit out.

With sidehacking just a memory, Rommel goes about hiring a gang of thugs to face off against J.C. What was once a lame race movie quickly turns into a bloody revenge film. You can guess that it doesn’t end well.

Despite this movie, there are some funny riffs to be had. After Rita’s murder, Rommel goes walking through memories of his past with a terrible song being sung in the background. For whatever reason, he walks through a field of thrusting oil pumps: “Even these oil fields seem to remind me of her. Can't quite put my finger on it...” Joel says. As J.C. goes further and further off the deep end, Crow explains it this way: “He gets this way if he doesn’t kill every day.” When Rommel reflects with a friend, “We’ve had some great runs together,” Joel responds, “Yeah, remember that dinner in Tijuana?”



There are also some funny jokes played off Rommel’s name and how it relates to “Patton” (“You magnificent bastard, I read your book!”). And when J.C. asks where Rommel is at one point, Crow yells “Algeria!”

“The Sidehackers” was originally called “Five the Hard Way” for whatever reason. Hagen, also the film’s producer, was actually married to Claire Polan, the actress who played Paisley. Maybe that’s why Hagen looked like he was having so much fun when he told his wife off in the movie. The film’s director, Gus Trikonis, was married to Goldie Hawn for a time and apparently she’s somewhere in this movie.

And even though this film is disturbing on many levels, I have to give credit to the overacting prowess of Michael Pataki, whom I was already familiar with thanks to “Star Trek” (he played a bug-eyed, overdramatic Klingon). His portrayal of J.C. is so off the wall that he genuinely made me nervous every time he appeared on screen. Especially after he punches Paisley in the stomach and later, when he starts shaking all over and screaming just for the hell of it.



Yes, this movie is unpleasant to a fault, but I found it watchable in an icky way. I have a soft spot for 1960s films like this, so maybe that’s why I could watch this with a perverse enjoyment. I know I’m pretty much contradicting some things I’ve said earlier about the film, but there you have it – I’m a man of conflicts!

The skits on the Satellite of Love are actually pretty good. Joel and the Mads come up with different inventions based around the slinky for the invention exchange. Later, Joel and the bots sing a very funny sidehacking song, and put new lyrics to the film’s love theme: “Only Love Pads the Film.” The songs might be the best part of the whole episode.

Mike Nelson appears again as J.C., visiting the Satellite of Love from his sidehacking spaceship (Frank Coniff is there, as well, playing Cooch). The sketch where Joel and the bots try their own color commentary over footage of the sidehacking races is overwritten and overlong. It probably would have worked better as actual riffs in the theater.



“The Sidehackers” is a not an easy episode to watch, both for the film’s content and lack of quality riffs. Still, it’s an interesting episode, though one I wish had been a little funnier.

Rating: **

Side note: This episode is available on Rhino’s box set Volume 3.

MST3K #201 - Rocketship X-M

“At this point the rocket becomes engorged with astronauts.” – Joel



Starring: Lloyd Bridges, Noah Beery, Jr., Osa Massen, Hugh O’Brian, John Emery. Writer: Kurt Neumann. Producers: Robert Lippert and Murray Lerner. Director: Kurt Neumann. Released in 1950.

Original air date: September 22, 1990

Here we are. Second season. Round two. Over the next 13 episodes, we’ll get adventures to forgotten lands, clunky space quests, Grindhouse ‘60s films, and a double shot of Godzilla. Let’s go!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 underwent a lot of changes in its second season on the Comedy Channel, soon to become Comedy Central. The team redesigned the interior of the Satellite of Love, Deep 13 received a makeover, Joel decides to sport a blue jumpsuit, and two cast additions made a significant impact. Josh Weinstein left after the first season, leading to associate producer Kevin Murphy taking over Tom Servo. Murphy’s Servo is far more intense that Weinstein’s laid back character, although that doesn’t yet come across in the season debut here. Murphy sticks with the character until the show’s end, so most fans are familiar to his robot handling and personality.



In replacing Dr. Erhardt at Deep 13, comedian Frank Coniff joins the cast as TV’s Frank, Dr. Forrester’s bumbling assistant. Immediately apparent in this episode is the hilarious interplay between Coniff and Trace Beaulieu. The new Mads instantly become fan favorites.

In a related note, we also get to meet the Mole People, Jerry and Sylvia. They apparently work the cameras and controls on Deep 13, although we don’t see them or hear about them at all after a few episodes. The show will eventually riff on “The Mole People” in Season 8.

Also worth mentioning is the increase and quality of the riffs during the film. The first season was punctuated by long, quiet stretches from Joel and the robots, along with jokes that often missed the mark. This improved by the end of the season, but Season Two picks up dramatically in the jokes department – several pointed riffs can be heard each minute of the film. And in the case with the Robert Lippert-produced “Rocketship X-M,” they’re often hilarious.

The film is a typical “gee-whiz” space adventure that takes itself a little too seriously. When “Rocketship X-M” was released in 1950, it was a big deal – a big budget space adventure aimed at adults. But that doesn’t stop it from being terribly cheesy. Not to mention “Rocketship X-M” is blatantly misogynistic with some really cheap shots directed at the one woman on the mission. Thankfully, Joel and the bots really let the film have it.



In the near future (the 1950s?), a space mission crew is assembled to visit the Moon and study what they find. Led by Dr. Karl Eckstrom (John Emery), the crew includes the pilot, Maj. Floyd Graham (Lloyd Bridges), the navigator, Harry Chamberlin (Hugh O’Brian), the woman professor, Dr. Lisa Van Horn (Osa Massen), and the comic relief, Maj. William Corrigan (Noah Beery, Jr.). Together, they take off for the Moon, where Dr. Eckstrom speaks in long soliloquys, Graham tells pointless stories from his past, Corrigan compares anything and everything to Texas, and everyone busts on Dr. Van Horn because she’s a woman. “Chauvinist detector just went off,” Joel says after Graham says something particularly stupid and an alarm sounds.

Due to some mistake, the Rocketship X-M travels super-fast to Mars instead of the Moon. Dr. Eckstrom says some sort of divine intervention brought them to the red planet, but more likely it’s the film’s clunky science. To make the most of an opportunity, the crew lands in Death Valley, I mean, Mars, and begin exploring (“Hey look guys, it’s the Statue of Liberty, and there’s James Fransiscus and Charlton Heston!” Joel says in response to the desert views



The crew finds a long dead advanced civilization, as well as a bunch of crazy cavemen (“It's an entire race of mimes! We've got to get back and warn Earth!” Joel says). Let’s just say the crew runs into trouble and the film does not end well. In fact, it’s downright depressing, even with its moral message. Joel asks the Mads why they didn’t just send them “Marooned” if they wanted to show a depressing space movie. “We couldn’t get it,” Dr. F says. Funny, because they will get it for Season 4.

“Rocketship X-M” takes itself so seriously that the writers have an easy time ripping this film a new one. First, they have great fun with the overtly gay subtext between Dr. Eckstrom and head of the space program on Earth.

Second, each character has enough of their own stupid quirks that allows for a lot of material. Corrigan, or “Tex,” goes on and on about Texas and, like many of the other characters, tells boring tales from his own state. “What’s next? Stories about this guy’s uncle in Milwaukee?” Crow asks. O’Brian’s character earns the funny moniker of “Dirk Sqaurejaw,” the first of many hilarious names the crew will come up with for beefy guys over the show’s run. Dr. Van Horn spends a lot of time dreamily staring out the ship’s window, which allows for the gang to imitate her asking questions like, “What are you dreaming?” and “Where do you want to be in two years?” And then there’s Lloyd Bridges, of which Beaulieu does a great imitation. We get treated to several Sea Hunt gags, most memorably “By this time, my lungs were aching for air” by Crow. In fact, he’d been saying that joke even in the last season. All in all, there are some classically funny moments here.



And the show’s sketches are good, too. The invention exchange remains from the first season, and Joel develops the BGC-19, a drum set for rock drummers who want to be frontmen. It’s modeled after the walking forklifts from “Aliens.” TV’s Frank, working on his first invention, blatantly steals Joel’s idea, much to Dr. Forrester’s chagrin.

In mocking the old white guys playing journalists who pepper the beginning of the film, Joel and the bots offer a funny tribute to them, of sorts. The gang later stares out at the stars saying random phrases in dreamy voices before being interrupted by a visit from Valeria from “Robot Holocaust,” played by Mike Nelson of all people. It’s a sketch that starts nowhere and ends nowhere.

But the best part is the “funny-not funny” bit they do in regards to things floating in space. The stuff they come up with is hilarious and Gallagher is never funny, even if he’s floating in space, as we learn.



“Rocketship X-M” turns out to be one of the better episodes of the second season and it’s a “good” film to kick off the show’s sophomore year. The upgrade in quality with this new season promises good things to come.

Rating: ***1/2

MST3K #104* - Women of the Prehistoric Planet

“Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours! Their use of stock footage is amazing!” – Joel


Starring: Wendell Corey, Keith Larsen, John Agar, Paul Gilbert, Irene Tsu, Robert Ito, Merry Anders, Stuart Margolin. Writer: Arthur C. Pierce. Producer: Jack Broder and George Edwards. Director: Arthur C. Pierce. Released in 1966.

Original air date: February 20, 1990

And so we come to the end of the first season. Despite the fact this episode’s production number is listed as #104, *this was the last filmed and aired for the Comedy Channel in 1990. The “Robot Holocaust” Avocado Man contest winner is announced, and there is reference to “The Corpse Vanishes.” So when viewed in the context of the entire season, it’s easy to see this was filmed later than “The Mad Monster.”

In keeping in the mold of a “Star Trek” episode, “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” is good, cheesy fun. Starships exploring space, the discovery of a new world, peril on said world, and bad romance. It’s surpisingly light on any women on the prehistoric planet; the only ones come from spaceships. But then again, you can never judge a bad movie by its bad title.

“Women of the Prehistoric Planet” is also notably Josh Weinstein’s last appearance as Dr. Erhardt and Tom Servo. But I’ll focus more on that later, as well as my reflections on the first season in general.



When the film begins, a fleet of spaceships is traveling back to their destination ferrying a group of Centaurians who are experiencing the end of their civilization. Some crew members exhibit feelings of blatant racism and ethnocentrism regarding the Centaurians (who, as far as I can tell, are a company of Hawaiian actors), but thank God there are others onboard to pontificate tolerance in true “after-school special” dialogue. But that doesn’t stop one rogue Centaurian from crashing a spaceship on an uncharted planet. There are few survivors, but a romance blooms between one uninjured crewmember and a Centaurian woman. This happens almost immediately after the woman shoots and kills her crazy brother. I guess if you’re stranded on a hostile planet, love cannot wait! “Kill your brother! It’s the only way to reinforce the director’s white male reality!” Crow says.

Another spaceship, commanded by Admiral King (Wendell Corey), learns of the crash and sends his crew on a rescue mission. Thanks to some poorly explained theories on time travel and math, it takes three months for King’s ship to arrive at the planet, yet 18 years pass on the planet below. I guess the writer came up with this so they could feature the offspring of the stranded crew members, Tang (Robert Ito), as a lead character.

Landing on the planet, Commander Scott (Keith Larsen, not Jimmy Doohan) leads a group of crewmembers into the jungle, taking along John Agar, Stuart Margolin and Paul Gilbert. Ladies and Gentlemen, your rescue party! Predictably, all does not go well, especially for Margolin who gets killed by a plush toy spider from the Disney store, I think. “I guess he’s really an Angel now,” Joel says – “Rockford Files” fans will get this.



Also, a Centaurian woman named Linda (Irene Tsu) leaves the ship for a bit and is discovered by Tang. Together they get naked, try on different fabrics, slap each other, make out and frolic in a swimming pool. “Wang, bang, thank you Tang!” Crow jokes. Or, as Crow later says impersonating a monkey watching the lovebirds in the pool, “Ooh, I’m going to go home and spank myself!”

Eventually, the rescue party stumbles across Linda, shooting and wounding Tang in the process, just because (“Typical response. I don’t understand it so I’ll shoot it,” Crow says). All hell breaks loose when a volcano begins erupting and it’s revealed in a plot twist that everyone sees coming that Linda is actually Admiral King’s illegitimate daughter. A bigger plot twist comes at the end (spoiler alert!): the uncharted planet is Earth, with Linda and Tang presumably acting as the Adam and Eve characters. “That means my great, great grandmother was really, really hot!” Joel surmises. Tom Servo adds, “Man evolved from Tang.”



I have to point out a few aspect of this film that are absolutely hilarious. In no particular order.

Bad direction: During the rescue search, the crew comes across a pool of bubbling and deadly liquid, with a log stretching precariously across. The crew decides to cross this log, despite one nervous crewmember, even though it’s painfully obvious they could walk completetly around the pool! You can guess what happens.

Paul Gilbert: In these space movies of the 1950s and 1960s, scripts often included a bumbling, overweight comic relief character amongst the crew. You’d think Stuart Margolin would get the honors in the film, but he’s actually too young. Instead we get Paul Gilbert, who’s funny along the lines of Don Rickles (not funny). At one point, Gilbert’s engineer character goes into a long soliloquy about space training, going as far as to reenact his karate schooling. He does a karate chop, yells “Hi Keeba!” and promptly does a prat fall. Thus enters one of the most prominent catch phrases in MST3K lexicon. Gilbert: Not funny. “Hi Keeba!:” Funny.

Wendell Corey: The former president of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences (and WW2 vet), gets the lead here, but it’s apparent that he’s pretty wasted the whole time. Corey’s eyes droop and he slurs his entire dialogue. I’d bet he was blowing a .20 on the old Breathalyzer each day of shooting. At least Joel and the bots have fun with this: “I’ll just stay here and take more lithium,” Crow jokes. Later he says, “Hey, did you just get back from the dentist or something?” Unfortunately, Corey later died from alcoholism, so maybe this isn’t all that funny. But I’m still laughing, so…



The title: Rumor has it the studio made the director change the film’s title and add scantily clad women to the film. These scenes didn’t make it into the MST3K episode, so the title makes no sense. What never changes is studio interference. But maybe they were right this time?

As far as the episode goes, there are some great laughs to be had, but long pauses and missed opportunities are still common. Still, “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” ends Season 1 on a high note. Most of the skits revolve around an Isaac Asimov doomsday machine coming aboard the Satellite of Love. The machine’s mechanical voice is supplied by Mike Nelson in his first “appearance” on the show. There are many, many more to come for Nelson. Thankfully, the doomsday story has a funny payoff in the end.

This being Weinstein’s last show, it’s fitting he gets featured prominently during the invention exchange. The Mads come up with a fast food chain that offers diners meat ripped from the hides of live animals directly and immediately delivered to the plate – Clay and Lar’s Fleshbarn. Erhardt grabs his guitar and sings a little country ditty to advertise the new venture. It’s very funny, and shows even more of Weinstein’s talent. When I checked out a Cinematic Titanic show in Boston last year, he played a mean bass guitar behind Frank Coniff’s songs.

Weinstein’s time on MST3K is short lived, but he makes an imprint. While Dr. Erhardt can sometimes be grating, I liked his laid back Tom Servo. Associate Producer Kevin Murphy takes over Servo in the next season and alters his personality to a high-stress, manic robot. In the end, Murphy’s take is definitive, but I liked Weinstein’s Servo nonetheless. At only 18, Weinstein had his whole career ahead of him when these shows aired. Feeling underappreciated and underpaid, he left. Valid reasons in my book. He now has a successful writing career and tours around the country with his MST3K brethren as “Cinematic Titanic.” He’s even funnier now and easily stole the show when I saw them.



Looking back on the first season, it’s easy to see how well the show improved over 13 episodes. At first, the writers were unsure of the medium, and episodes like “The Crawling Eye” and “The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy” suffered because of it. Yet halfway through they almost get it, especially with “Untamed Youth” and “Women of the Prehistoric Planet.” The greatness is apparent and only gets better in the second season before coming to full bloom in the third. And on a personal note, it’s a lot of fun to review these early episodes, many of which I’d never seen or hadn’t seen in more than 15 years.

Rating: ***

Sidenote: “Women of the Prehistoric Planet” was available of Rhino’s Volume 9 box set. It went out-of-print fairly quickly because the rights to this film were never set in stone. Kudos to those who own it as it sells online for A LOT. I was one of the lucky ones to get it when it came out, if I may brag for a second.

MST3K #113 - The Black Scorpion

“And for those of you at home keeping score, scorpions, unless genetically altered, do not growl.” – Crow



Starring: Richard Denning, Mara Corday, Carlos Rivas, Mario Navarro, Carlos Muzquiz. Writers: David Duncan, Robert Blees. Producer: Frank Melford and Jack Dietz. Director: Edward Ludwig. Released in 1957.

Original air date: February 13, 1990

If you’re Mexican, and a swarm of giant scorpions begin invading your cities at an alarming rate, go find an American to help. Lord knows you won’t be able to handle it on your own. That’s the message from the movie “The Black Scorpion.” The Mexican government and its people are helpless without the aid of a suave and vaguely ethnocentric white scientist. Such is Hollywood’s view of the world.

“The Black Scorpion” comes in a long line of monster movies to be featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. All the ingredients are here: the intense, yet sophisticated scientist, the beautiful and strong-willed woman, the helpless and fleeing population, the grotesque and lumbering monster, and the annoying and completely unnecessary child. Japanese monster movies will later perfect these last two attributes to unbelievable proportions. Just wait until “Gamera.”



But first, we have “The Black Scorpion,” which is almost saved by the stop-motion special effects of Willis O’Brien, the man behind “King Kong.” O’Brien revolutionized special effects and acted as a mentor to Ray Harryhausen, who made the technique famous. When the titular monsters show up on screen, the film actually gets interesting, even on its limited budget. Other than that, it’s a giant bore.

After the success of the last episode, “Untamed Youth,” you’d think the writers would be on top of their game. Not quite. Similar with other first season episodes, the riffs are infrequent and sometimes not that funny. For instance, a series of jokes on golf courses and the 10 Commandments wears thin after a while. Although there are some really sharp and laugh-out-loud moments. A dull film and below-average riffing makes this episode forgettable.

The film opens with a series of volcanic explosions in Mexico, heralding the arrival of the monsters. Joel and the robots come prepared by roasting giant weenies over footage of lava and fire. Drs. Henry Scott (Richard Denning) and Arturo Ramos (Carlos Rivas), already in the area researching volcanoes, discovers part of a town destroyed by something. They find several dead cops and one very alive baby in the wreckage (“Alright kid, start talkin!’” Crow growls). Visiting a nearby village, they learn of rumors of giant monsters wreaking havoc across the countryside. Most of this is told to them by helpful Mexicans with an excellent command of the English language. No language barrier in rural Mexico, I guess!

They also come into contact with Teresa Alvarez (Mara Corday), a Mexican rancher. Both scientists take a liking to her, but it’s the American who comes out with the win, of course. Not that Dr. Ramos doesn’t try. Crow mocks his awkwardness: “Let me put my new Leonard Nimoy album on. He sings the ‘Ballad of Bilbo Baggins!’”



Soon, the Black Scorpion reveals itself. It attacks three linemen working on Alvarez’s ranch in an unsettling scene; O’Brien’s creature creations are more believable that most monsters in MST3K films. Except when it’s seen up close. Then we get a view of a cartoonish, drooling villain with very expressive eyes. There are lots of shots of this actually. It’s pretty funny.

The scientists and Mexican military investigate the monsters further, discovering a giant cavern near a volcano. The government listens to whatever Dr. Scott tells them. Dr. Ramos is just kind of there. But the two do travel deep into the cavern to catalog Willis O’Brien’s stop-motion monsters. Of course, a stupid, annoying kid named Jaunito (Mario Navarro) stows away on their cavern journey, which doesn’t really bother anybody. When the monsters find them, they destroy our heroes’ only way of escape. “Well, this isn't good, not at all. I mean, I've seen good before, and it didn't look anything like this. Remember that bad thing we saw, well it looked like this,” Joel says in his deadpan style. It’s one of the best riffs of the episode.

Surprise! They escape and the military blows up the cavern sealing the fate of the black scorpions. Or do they? Let’s just say there’s a great finale involving Mexico City, a big monster and a really inept military guy. “These soccer games can get really out of hand,” Joel says.



Despite some decent moments, nothing really sticks out about this episode. The jokes are alright, but you know the writers will improve in due time. And the movie is kind of dull until the last half or so; it takes a while for anything substantial to happen. It is famous for being the “last” first season episode, although it wasn’t the last filmed or even aired. That’s coming up in the next review.

One part of this episode does bear mention. Anytime Drs. Scott and Ramos introduce themselves, which happens A LOT in the beginning of the movie, Joel and the bots clap in applause much like a walk-on role in a sitcom. Funny thing is, we never see them moving their hands, and it sounds like the same pre-recorded applause each time. It’s strange at first to hear this, and then it becomes amusing. Needless to say, they don’t add in sounds again in the show. They previously added sound effects in “The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy,” another Mexican film in fact.

The sketches provide some funny moments to the show. The Mads’ invention exchange goes terribly wrong, so Dr. Erhardt gets himself a giant brain a la Star Trek’s “The Menagerie,” and Dr. Forrester turns into a skeleton. Actually, we never see Trace Beaulieu’s face in this one. Later in the show, Crow and Tom Servo discuss Joel’s human oddities, while Gypsy tries to scare them by turning into a giant scorpion. They ignore her until she eats Tom! Later, Joel discusses the history of stop-motion animation to great effect.

But perhaps my favorite part of the whole episode is when Joel reads a letter specifically written to Crow. Sometimes critical, sometimes helpful, the writer makes some pointed comments that, I think, are meant to be taken seriously for the benefit of the show’s writers. Cambot focuses on Crow this whole time and it’s amazing how Beaulieu can get a great reaction out of a cheap puppet – you can see what Crow is thinking the whole time! He goes from curious to pissed in no time.



We’re almost at the end of the first season and fun to see how the show has improved, and to know that it gets far better in future seasons. “The Black Scorpion” isn’t one of the better episodes, but it’s still interesting.

Rating: **1/2

MST3K #112 - Untamed Youth

“So, I understand you two are untamed…” – Joel



Starring: Mamie Van Doren, Lori Nelson, John Russell, Don Burnett, Eddie Cochran, Lurene Tuttle. Writers: Stephen Longstreet, John C. Higgins. Producer: Aubrey Schenk. Director: Howard W. Koch. Released in 1957.

Original air date: February 6, 1990

Darn those kids. Darn those pesky kids always hitchhiking and skinny-dipping throughout our county! Nothing but trouble!

What I thought would be a typical 1950s scare film of youth gone wild thanks to the drink and pills is nothing of the sort. Oh sure, two young women get arrested for a small crime, but it’s a sadistic and evil ranch owner that takes center stage in this film. Are these youths untamed? Not really. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time under the constant threat of a big bully. At least they keep their musical sense and break into song on occasion. Seriously.

“Untamed Youth” is Mystery Science Theater 3000’s first movie that isn’t classified as science fiction or horror. It’s a tale of two young sisters caught up in a local scam to get low-level offenders to work for free on a major ranch. If it doesn’t sound exciting, it’s because it’s not. Even the ill-placed musical numbers can’t help the movie. But it remains easily watchable thanks to the presence of ‘50s pinup girl, Mamie Van Doren. The buxom, blond beauty spends much of the film in tight shirts, singing and dancing on the screen. No complaints here.



Maybe it’s the change in genres or the melodramatic syrup that’s poured all over this movie, but the riffing in this episode is the best of the season. Finally, here’s an episode that can stand side by side with the high points of the later seasons. The jokes come fast and funny and I found myself laughing out loud from beginning to end. Of course, this movie just begs for the MST3K treatment, and the writers do not disappoint.

The film begins on the right note: a country lawman finds two sisters, Penny and Janey Lowe (Doren and Lori Nelson) skinny-dipping in a small pond. When they admit to hitchhiking across the country, the cop gets all pissed off and hauls them before the judge. Judge Steele (Lurene Tuttle) seems equally angry about the hitchhiking and sentences them to 30 days hard labor working in the cotton fields on a ranch. Arriving with a cast of “untamed youths,” the Lowe’s start picking cotton, stopping occasionally to catfight with other inmates, bathe in cold water, and break out into song. The evil ranch owner, Russell Tropp (John Russell), oversees all with his guard dogs and ruthless nature (“I don’t know what he expects from them, they’re untamed!” Crow yells).

Things get complicated, both for the characters and the audience, when the judge’s son, Bob Steele (Don Burnett), arrives to work for Tropp. He starts snooping around, discovering the terrible conditions the inmates are living in, which includes eating dog food for dinner. To make matters even more confusing, Tropp is secretly married to the judge, and the two are in on a scheme to create a monopoly of ranches throughout the county. Somewhere in this familiar quagmire are the untamed youths. Somewhere.



There are so many odd and strange things going on in this film, I’m not sure where to start. I guess we can begin with the musical numbers. They’re suitably loud and irritating thanks to the film’s composer, Les Baxter, famous for his Balladeers. Mamie gives it her all, especially in the leg-kick department, but man! These are bad songs! (“Come on boys, carry my bananas?” I agree with Joel – what does that even mean?) One inmate breaks into song out in the fields, singing “You Ain’t Gonna Make a Cotton Picker Outta Me,” or as Tom Servo says, “You Ain’t Gonna Make a Singer Outta Me!” Joel comments on the studio sound found out amongst the cotton: “The acoustics in this field are amazing!”

Next, there’s the ranch cook. Stopping his duties as dog food chef, he comes out to compliment Mamie on her singing voice, among other things. But he speaks in the wordiest sentences, full of giant dictionary words. It’s funny, but for the wrong reasons.

I have to mention the judge and secret wife of Tropp, too. She looks much older than her husband and more like a grandmother to her son. Poor casting, indeed! Grandmother riffs abound.

Then there’s the deep voiced woman who Joel and the ‘bots dub “Greg Brady,” and proceed to get a lot of mileage out of the joke. And I can’t forget to mention the appearance of Eddie Cochran. Yes, THAT Eddie “Summertime Blues” Cochran. He plays an inmate named Bong. One more time – Bong. Yes, Cochran wrote a couple songs, too. It’s not all Les Baxter’s fault.



You have to admire Mamie in this film. She completely steals the show and it’s easy to see why she earned such a following, even after her career took a nosedive. And the film has John Russell, who is now most famous for playing the villain Stockburn in Clint Eastwood’s “Pale Ride.” His gaunt and sunken face in that film is haunting and unforgettable. He also turned up in Eastwood’s “The Outlaw Josey Wales” as “Bloody Bill” Anderson.

What keeps the episode funny is the way Joel and the bots riff off what people are saying instead of making silly observations like they did earlier in the season. For instance: “I was hoping you and Russ would hit it off,” the judge tells her son. “Well, he did punch me once,” Servo replies. “It’s going to be really hard to break it to him,” the judge tells Tropp referring to their secret marriage. “What, that he’s an android?” Joel asks. “I’d like to see you again, lots of times,” Bob tells Janey at the ranch. “And then stop abruptly, breaking your heart like a toy,” Joel continues. And the list goes on and on.

Like most episodes, some sketches work, some don’t. Joel creates the “Never Light Pipe” for the invention exchange, which is a total sight gag, and Dr. Erhardt comes up with the tongue puppet. Later, Joel gets inside Gypsy’s head to see what she’s thinking, which turns out be nothing but RAM chips and an eight-by-ten glossy photo of Richard Basehart. Gypsy later comes into the theater to puke up cotton, before Tom discovers she’ll vomit anything he suggests, even another Servo. The tribute to Greg Brady, on the other hand, is overlong and not funny.



Some like these delinquent teen/youth movies, some do not. I think there’s a dated charm to them that makes these films hilarious on their own. MST3K will feature many more films in this vein, some of which really do have delinquent teens doing wild and terrible things. “Untamed Youth” still remains my favorite of the first season.

Rating: ***1/2

MST3K #111 - Moon Zero Two

“In space, no one can hear you yawn.” – Crow



Starring: James Olson, Catherine Von Schell, Adrienne Cori, Warren Mitchell, Ori Levy, Barry Bresslaw. Writer: Michael Carreras. Producer: Michael Carreras. Director: Roy Ward Baker. Released in 1969.

Original air date: January 30, 1990

A Western film taking place on the Moon with saloons, loose women, and dastardly villains? Groovy! The swingin’ ‘60s hits our nearest celestial body with so much hip and mod force, it’ll make your head spin. Do you reach? Sure do, Herbert.

“Moon Zero Two” is a space adventure riding the coattails of “2001: A Space Odyssey.” With a decent special effects budget and huge, Ken Adam-esque sets, the film brings to mind the overindulgence of Bond films, not to mention the 1960s in general. Bombastic music is featured throughout, as are some actors that nearly wink at the camera to let us know it’s all in fun. Thankfully, this adventure story never quite takes itself seriously, which allows for Joel and the robots on the Satellite of Love a few decent opportunities to go to town.

This is probably the best movie featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 so far. It’s certainly the most expensive to date, and it’s a nice change-of-pace to watch a film that has a large budget and large sets. Too long have we suffered through black and white films, rubber suits, Commando Cody, and sock puppets with teeth. While there are some funny jokes, the film is talky, which limits Joel and the gang from any commentary rhythm. Fortunately, the film is entertaining on its own, so the episode never becomes boring. Still, you wish it had been a little more than it was.



“Moon Zero Two” starts with an inexplicable opening that sets a tone for the film the rest of the movie never event attempts to emulate. Complete with a verbose, and unfortunately catchy song sung by British pop singer Julie Driscoll, we’re treated an animated credit sequence (“Title sequence my Mrs. Reedy’s third-grade class,” Servo says). An American and Soviet astronaut runs around the moon trying to plant their flag in “hilarious” fashion. I think it’s supposed to represent how the Moon got settled in the universe of “Moon Zero Two,” but the music and silliness take all that away. It also makes the film appear to be a mad-cap comedy caper. While it’s not a totally serious film, it’s not what the credits promise.

In the future, the Moon is a remote outpost of Earth being settled by people looking to make a new beginning starting mining claims on its surface. The only center of civilization is an outpost, strangely designed (“D-cups as far as the eye can see,” Crow says), complete with a space port, shopping mall, and saloon featuring over-priced drinks and dancing women. It’s much like any Western film, including a reluctant hero. That person is Bill Kemp (James Olson), an astronaut-turned-space salvager, making a living collecting space junk. He’s approached by Earth millionaire J.J. “Hundred Percent” Hubbard (Warren Mitchell) (“I think he’s only 50 percent today,” Crow says) to collect an asteroid heading for the Moon that is comprised completely of valuable sapphire.



Meanwhile, a British woman, Clementine Taplin (Catherine Von Schell) arrives looking for her brother who started a claim on the “Far Side” of the Moon. “I wonder if you know my brother?” Clem asks Kemp. “Gary Larson?” Servo asks.

Kemp decides to help the beautiful woman, whom he dubs Clem, and together they discover her brother dead at his site, as skeleton in his suit (“He lost a lot of weight,” Servo says. “He looked better fat.”). Through a plot twist that is not a plot twist, Hubbard had Clem’s brother killed so he could take over his claim and land the sapphire asteroid on it. This is all builds to the big finale that’s not that big.

It’s tough to dislike a film like this, even if you watch without the wittiness of Joel and the bots. The movie is a product of Hammer Films, the studio that brought us countless Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing Dracula movies, complete with lots of blood and naked women. We don’t get that in this film – at least, not in the scenes shown in the episode – but we do get plenty of British people and bright sets. In fact, only Kemp has an American accent.



The special effects are also well done for the late 1960s. Many of the effects producers worked on “2001” and would work again on other big budget films. The music on the other hand, is sometimes baffling. There’s loud jazz as ships land and people fight, not to mention a herald of trumpets anytime someone floats around in the space. “Who thought free-form jazz was a good idea for the soundtrack?” Servo asks.

The actors are par for the course. Olson seems to be enjoying his time in a starring role, a rare thing. Most of his career saw him in guest starring roles in everything from “Battlestar Gallactica” to “Murder She Wrote.” He’s not the ideal version of a leading man (Joel and the bots love the fact his forehead knows no bounds), but he’s likeable enough. Catherine Von Schell (cousin to Maximillian) gets her first leading role after her small part in the Bond film “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” and fills out her spacesuit nicely. The producers love putting her in the strangest outfits and dumbest wigs and helmets, but it’s the 1960s after all.



Astute viewers will note that Warren Mitchell, who plays Hubbard, turned up in “The Crawling Eye” as Professor Crevett, the man who detects the evil eye aliens. Then there’s Harry, played by Barry Bresslaw, as the dumb henchman of Hubbard. The gang, Crow especially, has great fun making fun of this guy, especially his backcountry Cockney accent.

But the riffs aren’t up to par as they have been in the previous couple episodes. Part of it is the first season-syndrome where the show was still learning its complexities. Part of it is the film, which is very busy and dialogue-heavy. Sometimes the jokes get lost amongst the film’s action. This occasionally happened in later episodes, but not quite to this extent. I didn’t find myself laughing as much and ended up paying more attention to the film. Still, Joel and the bots have their moments. I particularly liked the part where Kemp straddles an engine booster while floating in space and Servo asks, “Is that what they call a crotch rocket?” Juvenile, yes, but funny!

The skits are, again, OK as a whole. Joel creates teleporting food for his invention exchange (pretty clever), and the Mads come up with celebrity (Jack Nicholson, Linda Blair) toothpaste. The actor’s images puke out the tooth paste on your tooth brush.

In making fun of the film’s idea of a board game called “Moonopoly,” Joel and the bots come up with other ideas for future board games and how their played (pretty funny). They mock a goofy fight scene in the movie where everything takes place in Zero G (hilarious), as well. The Moon pageant sketch is not funny and drags too long.



“Moon Zero Two” is a fun and busy movie and proves challenging to the MST3K writers. While the jokes aren’t quite there, it’s still a fun episode thanks to the quality of the film – not good, but certainly not bad. I can actually see this episode improving in my opinion with future viewings.

Rating: **1/2

MST3K #110 - Robot Holocaust, with Commando Cody, ch. 9

“My Dad’s his own favorite dish!” - Joel



Starring: Norris Culf, Nadine Hart, Joel Von Ornsteiner, Jennifer Delora, Andrew Howarth, Angelika Jager. Writer: Tim Kincaid. Producer: Cynthia DePaula. Director: Tim Kincaid. Released in 1986.

Commando Cody – Starring: George Wallace, Aline Towne, Roy Barcroft, William Bakewell. Writer: Ronald Davidson. Producer: Franklin Adreon. Director: Fred C. Bannon. Released in 1952

Original air date: January 23, 1990

The 1980s weren’t a good time for anybody. The music was bad, the hair was terrible and the country generally lost its way. I think “gross” best describes the time period. And the quality of bad films is legendary. Especially science fiction films.

With the unexpected success of the bleak futuristic films of the 1970s – “The Road Warrior,” “Soylent Green,” etc… - filmmakers of the 1980s attempted to make more films in that vein. Gloomy and depressing and hopeless was the look of the future, which was no longer bright and hopeful. Living under the constant threat of nuclear war and Ronald Reagan will do that to you. Some of these science fiction films just sucked the life right out of you.

And it didn’t help that many were shot on a shoe-string budget. “Robot Holocaust,” filmed during the heart of the lost decade, is a prime example. Cheap sets and even cheaper props reign supreme. Actors so bad it defies understanding lurk in every scene. Lazy writing and plodding action were the norm. In other words, these kinds of movies make for perfect Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. And even though we’re in the first season, where the writers are still finding their way, “Robot Holocaust” still makes for a fun episode. Plus, it’s the first movie the crew riffs on that’s filmed in color. A big deal indeed!



This is also the show where we finish the long-running and mind-numbingly repetitive “Commando Cody and the Radar Men from the Moon.” Off and on since the second episode, Joel and his robot friends have been forced to sit and watch this Republic serial, focusing on a scientist in a cardboard jet pack who must tweak his nipples before launching into the air. In Chapter 9, “Battle in the Stratosphere,” we rejoin Cody and his team back on the Moon as they fight against the head-to-toe jumpsuit wearing Moon Men. Cody escapes certain death (again), gets into a fistfight (again) and yells ridiculous dialogue in the most serious way (again!). But something happens here. As Cody and his buddies take off in their Christmas ornament spaceship, the film breaks. On screen in front of Joel and the bots is a funny picture of Drs. Erhardt and Forrester saying “Oops, the film broke.” That’s it. No more Cody. Apparently, the writers were as bored with the serial as I was.

What’s there to say about Commando Cody? It was hugely influential to thousands of theater-going kids, but it’s painfully dull. Each episode repeats off the first two, and while the characters face certain death at the end of each chapter, they always get out of it in the next one, thanks to a few “missing reels,” as Joel has pointed out. Kids might still find it interesting, but I did not. And I was happy they cut off the ninth chapter early. I really didn’t care what happened next. And judging from previous episodes, I’m guessing Cody eventually saves Earth from the Moon Men by the end of Chapter 12.



Now onto the headache inducing “Robot Holocaust.” This movie sad on my head and didn’t move the whole time I watched it. These types of films used to play on Saturday afternoons on my local cable station growing up and, for some reason, I used to get sucked in watching them. I have no idea if I saw this one, but it’s possible. I certainly remember seeing a future episode featured on MST3K that is reminiscent of this.

In the distant future (1987?), humanity has been enslaved by robots after what the narrator informs us in a doomsday fashion was the Robot Holocaust. That narrator is so depressing in his narration, that Tom Servo will forever impersonate him every time a bleak scene appears in future movies. Anyway, in this new future, humans are slaves that fight each other to the death for the pleasure of the Dark One, also known as the leader of all bad robots. Disobedience by humans results in the robots poisoning the air in the room (planet?). A scientist and his buxom and scantily clad daughter have developed an antidote to poisonous air, as has a warrior (Norris Culf) from the “outlying provinces.” This warrior is also telepathic, I think, with other robots. He comes complete with a C-3PO clone, who is amazingly unfunny and stupid (“In the future, all robots will act like Don Knotts,” Crow says). The warrior’s name is Neo. Perhaps that’ll make you second guess the originality of the “Matrix!”



The scientist is captured and Neo agrees to help his daughter find him by infiltrating the Dark One’s lair. Along the way, they encounter a tribe of men-hating women and their sex slave, who looks a lot like Anthony Kiedis. This ragtag team of warriors resembles the worst the ‘80s unleashed on the public (“Looks like we patched into a Metallica video, you guys,” Joel says at one point).

And this is supposed to be the lifeless future, right? The background in the outdoor shots looks like a pretty busy and fully operational New York City. “If I were skeptical, I’d say that was Central Park,” Joel says. I’ll say. Tourists must have thought they stumbled onto a half-assed Renaissance festival when they found this film crew.



Various fights break out along the way for our heroes, including a battle with mutants where we’re treated to more than a few decapitation scenes. In sets probably filmed in someone’s garage, the gang of rescuers later encounter cave worms, which are painfully obvious sock puppets (“I don’t think my socks ever got that bad,” Joel says). There is also a scene involving a giant spider, but all we see is its one arm being controlled by a prop guy off screen who doesn’t know how to use a fishing rod. Terrible. “The film is rated B for basement,” Servo states.

There are two notable aspects of this film that Joel and the bots have a field day with; the first being Angelika Jager’s incomprehensible performance as the Dark One’s human (or is she?) assistant, Valeria. In a European accent that’s tough to nail down, she mumbles and slurs her lines and performs them with such ineptitude, it’s astounding. Words can’t do her performance justice. It must be seen to be believed. “Does she have a big piece of hard candy in her mouth or something?” Joel asks. Besides that comment, Joel and the bots have a good time guessing exactly what she’s saying from scene to scene. Her mispronunciations and the gang’s critiques are a highlight of the first season.



Second to Jager’s screen time is the “big reveal” at the end. Neo and the gang find the captured scientist, but the Dark One has already absorbed him into his grip. What appears on screen is a depressed looking actor (the scientist) sitting in what looks like a giant avocado suit. He sticks out of the giant vegetable with a green face and asks for death. I can’t tell if that’s an actual line from the character or an actor’s valid request. It could go either way. The man’s dressed as a giant avocado, after all. The gang has a good time with finale and guacamole in general (“Better dead than a spread!” Crow says), and the scientist even becomes subject to the show’s first contest – name the Avocado Man!

As with other first season episodes, the riffs are improving but still aren’t quite there. The sheer horrid quality of “Robot Holocaust” helps things along, thankfully. The invention exchange is hit and miss. Joel’s flaming pipe is another in a long line of inventions involving fire. The Mads’ bank robber mask of the future is very funny. With remote control eyebrows, bank robbers can display a wide range of emotions and not just be menacing all the time.



The sketches are decent. Crow and Servo create the “We Zone” after the film’s “She Zone,” where men-hating women warriors keep men as slaves. The funny part of this sketch is that it comes before the viewers get to see the “She Zone” in the movie. Most likely a mistake on the writer’s part.

Other sketches include the bots attempting sitcom-esque comedy, complete with a Cambot-produced laugh track, and the bots trying to dress like the film’s heroes while starting their own post-apocalyptic tribe.

MST3K’s first color film is memorable for many reasons. As we’ll see more 1950s and ‘60s space monster movies, we’ll also see plenty more bad ‘80s future films, as well. Bring ‘em on!

Rating: ***